Chasing the Myth

I am an HSP. Yeah, there’s actually a term for “highly sensitive person.” And as I get older that makes me a failure at everything. I’ve got a book I’m reading now about how to cope with this so-called “condition.” You ever feel this way, and wonder if there’s something wrong with you? Maybe you’ll see yourself, or someone you love, here. Because, okay, I haven’t been a failure my whole life. But certainly ever since I moved to Beloit. Is it age? It’s maybe too late to succeed now? Should I stop trying?

I was a pretty good actress all my life, tended to get the parts I auditioned for. That was a good outlet for an HSP, right? But I’m a lousy agented commercial actress, and even worse in the films I’ve seen that I’ve made. I can’t do stage anymore, either, because I kind of blew my voice out doing an ill-advised German accent for a book I’d not even published yet. Family relationships? Yup, lousy at that, too. My family all moved away and an HSP sees that as rejection, no matter what the reason. HSP people are hard to understand, or so I’m learning. I suppose I should read the rest of that book. And selling my 11 books at Amazon? Every non-sale is a slight, an insult, a stab in the heart.

Beloit has certain brought out the worst in me. I can’t find a way to make a success of anything here. Am I just trying too hard? Should I just sit back and wait for someone to find me? I don’t think it works that way. I think you have to put yourself out there, try your darndest and see what happens.

For writing I tried the Beloit group. But they didn’t seem to like having me around so I stopped going. The Janesville guys wanted to see a sample of my writing and told me I wasn’t good enough. I tried writing for League of Woman Voters and Beloit Art Center and neither appreciated my style.

Oh, Beloit Art Center. I stayed there the longest, a year, but they never treated me as a human being. I mean, they would get me excited about this involvement or that and then I’d never hear about it again. Finally realized I didn’t fit there, either.

My mother always wondered why I was so sensitive. “Why are you so sensitive?” Like that made me not good enough for her or something. Well, I guess I wasn’t since she moved with my brothers and sisters to Arizona when I was 18 and left me behind. Mom probably never looked closely at her own mother, who was likely an HSP. Grandma would never go anywhere without a specific invite. She always wanted to make sure she was welcome. Would someone who felt that way be an HSP? She got so tired of sitting around the house waiting for Grandpa to want to do something that she died of Alzheimers. My other grandma wasn’t like that, though she was widowed and had to stay with one of her 9 children every couple of months. I thought she had the best life that way until my aunt told me she hated not having her own place. I guess that makes sense. But she did that for quite a while so I don’t think she ranked very high on the HSP spectrum. Oh why not call it a spectrum, everything else is.

I sense when people don’t want me around. I mean, I wait for an invite, like Grandma, and then I stay long enough for them to make me think they no longer want me around. Like that job at Kwik Trip. And my volunteer work at Beloit Historical Society. Wow, you’d think they’d treat volunteers better, wouldn’t you? I mean, I can see Kwik Trip getting tired of having an old lady around who wouldn’t do outside garbage. And that frozen butter that bothered arthritic hands. But darn it, I was so good with customers. Why couldn’t I just do that, and a little wipe-down and stocking every now and again? No, they probably didn’t like how I could manage the place better, but didn’t want the title. Okay, a bossy HSP.

Yeah, I’m a failure. I’ve taken on the job of treasurer for the Democrat Party of Rock County, and no, I’ve never been a a treasurer before. But they needed one. I like to be needed because I figure that way they’ll treat me better. Like Grandma with her invite.

As Judy Dyer, author of “Power of Emotions,” would say, “In general, empaths don’t like being around negative energy, and there’s nothing that can shift a positive frequency faster than dishonesty.”

I hate dishonesty and insincerity. And it’s agony to actively feel the moment when they no longer treat you as a human being.

Dyer, Judy. The Power of Emotions: How to Manage Your Feelings and Overcome Negativity (pp. 15-18). Kindle Edition.